Growing from Grief.

I think in the beginning stages of my grief journey, I felt that working through my grief meant that it would disappear. Something I could check off my to do list. Grief, checked as done. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it), it does not work that way.

We are dealing with our grief, whether we think we are or not. Let me explain. Once our sibling died, life changed. From that moment on, nothing is the same. Now, from that moment, life continues to change and move forward. Are you able to change and move forward with life, or do you fight against it and feel that if you make any move you will forget about your sibling.

Both moving forward with life and digging your heels in the sand, staying right where you are, are 2 different strategies of dealing with your grief. The first is more constructive and the other is more destructive. I advocate for moving forward with life because Lauren died 26 years ago and the more time I spend sharing the way she lived, rather than only seeing her just as dead, the more her memory lives on through me. And that brings me a sense of comfort.

Now coming back to taking grief off my check list. Even 26 years after her passing, I have both good days and bad days. In reality, I so not want to classify an entire day as a bad day if I only had a few bad moments. So, let’s reframe. Even 26 years after her passing, I have had good moments and bad moments. As I write this I also realize there is judgement of good and bad within the moments. So, let’s get rid of the judgement with words that express the experience without criticism. I am going to use empowering and dis-empowering. Even 26 years after her passing, I have had empowering moments and dis-empowering moments. And, through all the moments, I remember Lauren’s life, with her death being part of it.

The above paragraph is a perfect example of how I have grown from my grief. I am able to question my thinking and reframe it when I start to spiral. Working with my own grief is like living with an annoying little sibling. The more you ignore it, the more attention it wants. So, sometimes you have to spend some time with it. Other times you can separate from it and take some space for yourself. As with our siblings, and as annoying as they can be, they are a blessing to be in our lives. I would not want it any other way.